So, my week has been relatively productive. I’m no further forward in the job search - though I had an interview today in a deli, so fingers crossed! Even if I don’t get a job, I’m not in as dire a financial position as I originally thought. I shall get through University without having to rob a bank, which is always a good thing.

I went on out on Thursday night to the Night club but I wasn’t in the mood for that dire sexual, suppressive atmosphere that always inhibits those places. You have to try too hard to make yourself alluring to men who really are only after one thing. That’s ok if you’re after that too, then you’re on an equal playing field. But me, I’ve lost all attraction to men who aren’t the Boy and while I know I will recover from this( God help me) it’s just taking longer than I want it to! So night clubs have lost their appeal for me at the moment.

But I have dyed my hair blonde, which is pretty - it cost a little more than was strictly necessary - and I do rather like it. This was brought on by buying SatC on DVD, I had to do it after I decided I needed to change. A bit like my hero Carrie - it was all good.

It’s so pleasant to lose ourselves in complete and utterly/partially realistic fairytale stories with astounding shoes, they always make me smile.

So, being out of my wine stupor, I have come to realise that my happiness was not caused by a fug of expensive wine. In fact, I am just genuinely happy. I am still in recovery but a positive recovery.

This has galvanised me into action. Maybe not tattoo action, but action to get my life in order. For example, I have lived the last three weeks of my life on my overdraught. I used to work for my boyfriend’s family. Evidently, to return to this job would be very awkward and on top of that, I wager I’m not welcome. Lol. But this is ok, because I worked on my C.V. today and I am heading into town to distribute them.

Here goes returning to the non-cocoon of working for crazy Italians - I shall miss making Pizza. And miss my boyfriend( the utter Italian) but for all of that, I’m sort of relieved.

I’m thinking of getting today’s date tattooed to me, after all, this day has been a good day, and being out of that whacky relationship has suddenly freed me.

Or most likely not.

Xx

I am happy to say, that though not fully recovered from my recent trauma - that may well take years - I feel slightly better.

A good 40% of my life is spent going out to night clubs, dancing, drinking socially and having fun . On Thursday night for the first time in two weeks I went out with my best friend. Just a girly night and we had a great time. No guys (though there was that lingering ghost of a relationship that hurt me) and it was just great fun! I am so glad I got off of my knees and began to enjoy myself, I felt like me again. Not me with a part of me missing, which is never a pretty feeling. But me with the confident, out-going me. I didn’t feel as horrid as I had. I am suddenly better, I am suddenly much more happy.

So it’s back to University now, back to being happy and healthy. I don’t want to feel morose or remain nocturnal; I just want to be happy. I want to be free of feeling so miserable and it’s actually working. Making myself busy, not thinking about him. It really works. It’s the best therapy ever, being myself.

Suddenly, I am not as miserable, not as morose. Not better, just...getting there.

 

More to the point, I had the most amazing time with my family tonight. We had a lovely dinner, and for the first time in a long while I felt close to them. I feel as if I’m reconnecting to lots of things. As if there are lots of things to look forward to. I don’t feel as lost.

I go into second year of University, and it’s just brimming full of classics; Oedipus, King Henry V. It’s going to be just amazing. I adore the Classics, something to get your teeth into. Instead of being fed absolute rubbish post modern theory and modernist literature that has no reservation for people’s morals, or indeed, their ability to keep themselves from vomiting. Have you ever read Sarah Kane? It’s appalling what first years of English Literature are subjected to. I feel for them.

And of course, student night in the local night club is possibly the best fun ever! Or any night club really! It is never a bad thing.

I am currently having a mid-life crisis, after recent trauma, dying my hair blonde after being a brunette for a number of years and contemplating some sort of body art? Maybe a tattoo of Morticia. Though I feel I shall regret it sometime in the very near future, r indeed, literally the moment I get it.

…who knows….

Something about this positive ( however-slightly-fuelled-by-wine)feeling makes me feel energised. Count my blessing and get on with it.

X

So, I split with my boyfriend on Wednesday. Things hadn’t really been working, well, they never really had been working. I suppose the reality of it all is, as my best girlfriend’s highlighted to me again tonight, not for the first time in my romantic life; I’m self destructive.

I am level headed, I’m the sensible non-drinker who doesn’t have one night stands and doesn’t mess around with other guys. But I always fall for the man who knows how to hurt me - maybe I‘m too open, or throw myself into things but we did love each other - he was killing me and I had to end it.

I had been with my boyfriend for a long while, and I went to school with him when I was younger. We hated each other in the first years of school, he‘s possibly the most sarcastic person to traverse the planet and the man who comes from cash - he has everything he wants. We have the same social group and most of them are wary of him because of his attitude. He’s arrogant and opinionated to the point of being condescending. And I see in hindsight now that I was the entire opposite to him. Yes, he had this wonderful thing about wining and dining me and I admit to having loved him for how he made me laugh. But now I can’t bear to see him. And I think, above all, that this kills me. Our friends are miserable.

He drove past me today, and that feeling of having had your heart ripped out cascaded through me. The memories of talking about what children we wanted, what our future would be like.

Worse than that, he had a party last night and invited everyone but me - a small revenge? Socialising has always been our thing. We always threw the best dinner parties, or the best parties in general . My girlfriend’s vetoed it for a night in with a glass of wine while I cried inconsolably and finished an entire box of tissues.

He knows everything about me, how I feel, what I want and I’m more than sure he will use it against me. He’s vindictive when he’s not in love with you, especially when it ended like we did. I knew that it was a kind of inevitability. He was so much more prone to mind games than I was but I could compete. We used to twist each other - I was self destructive and he is the wall I continue running head long into.

But you know what, even though I hate him and even though the thought of him boils my blood (not in a good way) if he phoned right now and said ‘I’m coming to pick you up. I love you’, I would jump right out of bed and go down stairs and hope that he had changed. all because when I’m with him it feels so right.

My best friend said tonight that though some people love each other and I know no one thinks we don’t, they just can’t be together. Our friends are shocked by our split, even more shocked than when we first go together. Which was the least expected thing in the world.

He says he loves me always, but maybe it isn’t enough. Maybe movies haven’t taught me well after all. What we need is to be able to talk, to not frustrate the living day lights out of each other, for him not to be so arrogant and for me to not be so paranoid. I need to get away from him - he is killing me.

I should be happy it’s over, that I’m not going to wait hours until his Dad says he can leave work so I can have ten minutes of his time. But I’m not.

Isn’t that the worst thing in the world?
No, but it feels like it.